2016.02.02
I know something has changed already, I can feel it, I don't want to say a more word, a lot of moments I just want to pick up all my staff and go back, I know somehow my feeling changed too, I'm not that patient as before, I can't imagine the feeling how he can get through all the relationships, he is right, his past is way more than I can imagine, there is no date he can cure, but that's not my problem and I shouldn't bear his consequence. I just don't know how to move on, I'm too naive to handle a person like him. Every time when he released my hand when we were in his apartment, I knew he was afraid some people from our school would see us. Every time when he put on his necklace I felt I don't dare to touch him anymore. I still remember when we were in the 7 eleven, when the cashier asked him about our relationship, he said we were only friends. I told him I didn't hear what the cashier said only because of I don't know how to face this. From that Wednesday on, there is no day I can stop thinking about the quarrel and conversation we had. I know there is no way back to before, I don't mean I will stop or something, it's just different. Maybe he likes me a lot, but he never loved me even though he whispered at my ear. He wanted me to be more realistic, but the reality is I'm never part of his plan. I should know this since we start, it's too painful to love a person like him who is still recovering even though it's not my fault. How much I love him how much it hurts from that day on. I can't give more, I can't. The most painful thing is how he thinks about me though we have been together for so long. It's kind of insulting for me.
Now I know why I like lyric of the song "Hush Hush" that much. Somehow I feel the same thing, I'm really tired.
I never needed you to be strong
I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs
I never needed pain, I never needed strain
My love for you is strong enough you should have known
I never needed you for judgment
I never needed you to question what I spend
I never ask for help
I take care of myself
I don’t why you think you got a hold on me
And it’s a little late for conversations
There isn’t anything for you to say
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver
So look at me and listen to me because…
I don’t want to stay another minute
I don’t want you to say a single word
Hush hush
Hush hush
There is no other way, I get the final say
Because…
I don’t want to, do this any longer
I don’t want you, theres nothing left to say
Hush hush
Hush hush
I’ve already spoken, our love is broken
Baby hush hush
I never needed your corrections
On everything from how I act to what I say
I never needed words I never needed hurts
I never needed you to be there everyday
I’m sorry for the way I let go
From everything I wanted when you came along
But I am never beaten, broken not defeated
I know next to you is not where I belong
And it’s a little late for explanations
There isn’t anything that you can do
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver
So you will listen when I say baby…
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